Forgiveness

Forgiveness...hmmm...everytime I hear, see, or think this word, my mind races in a hundred different directions. So many things go through my mind.
For the past couple of weeks, forgiveness has been a common topic that has come up in my life in one way or another. To be completely honest, I wasn't thrilled with the fact that forgiveness kept coming up. It's not my favorite thing to talk or think about. And it is definitely not the easiest thing for me to do.
I've done my share of forgiving in my life (and have had my share of time where I needed to be forgiven). But I have also done my share of with holding forgiveness for much longer than I should have.
For Christians, it is plain and clear. Forgive others as God has forgiven you. Black and white, no way to be misinterpreted. Forgive. Just do it. But for some reason it isn't always quite that easy.
There is a situation from my past that I just absolutely refuges to grant forgiveness for. I truthfully had no desire to forgive this person and didn't think they deserved to be forgiven. Then it hit me (with some help from some people). I didn't deserve to be forgiven by God, but I was anyways. Ouch. And what this person did to me is nothing near things that I have done to God. But yet, He forgave me. Which meant I had to forgive this person. And myself for the role I played that created this situation.
But could I do that? Could I really forgive? I mean, I'm not as strong and not nearly as loving as God. The simple answer to this question is no. No, I couldn't forgive-not on my own at least. I needed God to give me the strength and help me to forgive. After a lot of prayer and a lot of searching through the Bible and as much faith as I could possibly it happened. I was finally willing and able to forgive. And you know what? I feel so much better about it. I don't hold a grudge, I'm starting to actually heal from this hurt, and God has comforted me and will continue to be my comfort as I continue to heal.
Something that a friend has said many times that will always stick with me is this: "It's a process." Forgiving, healing, moving on; it's all a process. It doesn't just happen and that's it. It's a continuous process that we must go through. I repeat this simple phrase to myself multiple times a day and it has helped me continue through this process and stay strong and faithful.
Thank you.

Okay, so I just had to share this with everyone. If you have not read my post "You might be rude and ignorant if..." you may want to read it before reading this. They go together. But, I'll explain from the beginning for those who just aren't going to read it.
Okay, so I'm a single mom, duh, we all know that. And people don't like to accept that. Especially Christians. People have said some of the most rude and ignorant things in regards to my daughter, Elisabeth. Today I encountered a new one.
I was at a Christian bookstore with Elisabeth. The guy working was very friendly and Elisabeth was actually talking to him! (For those of you who know her, she won't even talk to my brother when people are around, let alone strangers.) Obviously since I'm not married, I don't wear a ring and I don't try to hide the fact that there is no ring on my left hand.
So, I guess this guy didn't think my daughter looked like me, or couldn't accept the fact that *gasp* I had sex and wasn't married. I don't know which, and I really don't care. Well, as we were leaving, he asked me if Elisabeth was adopted. I thought I heard wrong, so I replied "What?" (Not even sure if he was talking to me because his back was turned at this point.) He asked again "So, she's your adopted daughter?" and I politely (because it was a "Christian" bookstore) said "No, she's mine, my real daughter." All he could say was "Oh, have a nice night".
Okay, to quote Nicky, "Who does that?" (apparently this guy) Who just asks a stranger if their kid is adopted?! If this isn't rude and ignorant, I don't know what is! Maybe it was because my hair was straight I don't know.
Here's a word from the wise (that would be me). NEVER ask a stranger if their child is adopted. Even if both parents are one color and the child another. Let them volunteer the information. If you ask this question, I can guarantee that you ARE rude and ignorant.
Why do I always seem to find these people!

The Dreaded Season

Well, it's that time of year again. The dreaded season for all who are single. The one season that reminds us of our status. Have you guessed it yet? Yep, that's right it's wedding season! It seems to be starting earlier and lasting longer this year.
Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy weddings and am excited for the happy new couple starting their lives together. But, I always hesitate to go because it is also a reminder that I'm single. Most days, I'm fine with my "singleness" status because I'm busy with so many other things that I don't think about it. Then the invitations start coming in the mail and remind me.
This year is going to be my busiest wedding season so far. It's not even Spring and I've been invited to one wedding, one renewal of vows (they didn't have a church wedding when they first married and the bride's mother wasn't too happy about that), I know of another invitation that will be coming in the near future (in which most of my friends who are going to the wedding, are in there wedding leaving me by myself for the most part), and last week I was asked to be in a wedding for a long time friend from high school (and of course, I said yes).
The thing that bothers me most about weddings is going by myself. How fun is that? Sure there might be people there that I know and can talk to, but the initial, yeah I'm at a wedding with no "and guest". And sending back that little card with 1 person attending is always a thrill for me. People who know me best, haven't even put an "and guest" on my invitation because they know there isn't one. One of these days, maybe I'll shock them all and have an "and guest".
So, here's what I've decided for this wedding season. Has anyone seen the movie "Wedding Date" where the chick doesn't want to go to the wedding alone so she pays some hottie to go with her? I haven't actually seen the movie (I hate chick flicks with happy endings), but I've seen previews. This is what I've decided to do. So, please read my previous post of "My Mental Checklist", think of all the single males you know and try to come up with someone who would like to make this dreaded season a little more joyous for me. What guy would pass up a free meal? None that I know. So, yeah, that's about it as far as weddings. Till next time--Bye! And keep thinking!

My Mental Checklist

So, I have this mental checklist of all the qualities I am looking for in a potential husband. I've had it for a long time and it hasn't changed too much. I use this list to "measure up" every male who I come in contact with. And here's a shocker, no one has "scored" high enough to be good enough. It was kindly brought to my attention that I have this list to keep me from getting into a relationship when I'm not ready to be in one.
Which is true. I am definitely not ready, nor do I have time at this point, to be in a dating relationship right now. I know that, God knows that, and my closest friends definitely know that! They're the ones who keep reminding me how not ready I am. I'm just trusting God to bring the right guy at the right time. Someone who I can really connect to in a way that is unmatched by my other friendships and relationships.
So I know you're wondering...what is on this check list? Its the almost impossible to measure up to list. I actually told someone all of these "must have" and "preferred" qualities (yes, I have 2 categories of qualities!) that I am looking for last night. That's why its so fresh in my mind. Some of them I didn't even realized I looked for until I was talking about them. Well, here they are. Oh, and if you happen to know someone who meets most of them....let me know :)
Required:
1) A Christian who knows where he is with the Lord and is striving for a stronger, closer relationship with Jesus. Someone who will pray with me and for me; who will be my spiritual partner. 2) Has a passion for music. I love music and want someone who I can share this passion with. He has to have a creative, artistic side that he displays. 3) A sense of humor. Someone who makes me laugh and who I can laugh with. Someone who will cheer me up when I'm having a bad day. A guy who can laugh at himself and me! 4) Non smoker. Its disgusting and I will never date a smoker. I'm allergic and refuse to subject my daughter to second hand smoke. 5) I have to find him physically attractive. Now, I don't have a "type" but I can't image being with someone intimately who I'm not physically attracted to. 6) Has a love for family. His own and mine. He has to have a functional relationship with his family. I think that this is really important. 7) I have to be able to trust him. He should be able to have friends of both sexes and I shouldn't have to worry. I should be able to trust a guy enough to not hold anything back and talk about anything and everything knowing that nothing will ever be held against me or used against me in some way. There has to be complete trust. 8) Understanding and tolerance. I have a daughter, if you can't deal with being a father the day we say I do, don't waste my time. He has to understand that I have a past and the results of that past are part of the package. My future husband isn't just marrying me, he's accepting my daughter as his own and will love us both.
preferred:
1) A five year plan. Now, this use to be #1 requirement, but I've relaxed a little. I'm very goal oriented and want someone who sets goals (either spiritual, financial, personal, whatever-just goals!) He has to want to have achieved something in the next five years. 2) A love for the outdoors. I LOVE to hike and be outside and want someone who will share these things with me. Whether its hiking, apple picking, camping, whatever. Someone who doesn't want to stay cooped up inside all the time. 3) Intelligent. Now this doesn't mean he has to have a PhD or anything. He has to be able to engage in an intelligent conversation with me about the world, ourselves, social problems, stuff like that. Someone who has knowledge of things outside his realm of living. I don't care what your education level is, if you're ignorant, I don't have that kind of time to waste! 4) Willing to take risks and have adventures. I want to sky dive, rock climb, and be adventurous. He has to be willing to try new things and have some fun! 5) Supportive. This maybe should be required. I'm looking into careers that could take me anywhere in the US. A guy is just going to have to understand that and be supportive of where God takes me through my career.
I know there's more-and that's sad-but I can't think of them. If anyone knows of something that I left out, just leave it in a comment. Some of you know me well enough to know what I'm looking for :) Yeah, so how exactly did I expect a guy to meet all of my requirements? Honestly, I didn't. And that was a good thing at this time in my life. It kept me from jumping into relationships that I wasn't ready for. Thank you for pointing that out to me (you know who you are! You always make good points and are right about them darn it!)
Well that's it for now! I know, it was a lot but hey, I have met guys who come REALLY close (if not meet all of them). So, I know this category of guy does exist! And God will bring one of them to me. Hopefully soon :)

Let's talk

Have you ever had one of those conversations with someone where you felt like you could just completely open up and share all the things that have been bothering you? I've been doing that a lot lately. If someone would have told me a week ago that I would share some of things I've been talking about I would have said "there is no way, it is never going to happen. That is not stuff I talk about to anyone". But, low and behold, it happened. And I finally talked about things that I've keep inside for years. Things that have led me to mistrust and avoid getting into relationships with people that were more than just on the surface.
Through the conversations I've been having in the past few days, I have grown closer to God and myself, not to mention the person I've been talking to, than I ever though I could in such a short time. And I know that everyday that I face my struggles and talk to God about them that I'm just going to keep getting closer and closer to Him. It truly is an amazing feeling.
I've never been able to have really deep spiritual conversations with people. I don't know why, it just never really happened. But now that I've had them with one person, I want to get to that level in my conversations with all my closest friends. Its been the best thing that has happened to me.
To know that I have someone who is praying for me just as much as I am praying for myself gives me strength and assurance. And I am in return, praying for this person as well who has also opened up to me.
I want to challenge you to strive for a deeper level of conversation with those who matter most to you. Whether you are spiritual or not, there is always a higher level and an emotionally deeper conversation that you can achieve.
God places people in our lives for a reason. These people may come and go or may stay around for a long time. Never question why they are there. There is a reason and God will show it to you just like He's shown it to me. Don't be afraid to go to a deeper level with your friends. Connecting spiritually is the foundation for a great, deep relationship with that person, with God, and with yourself.